


Weight of Living

by chrisfranklinchow



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Gen, Minor Character Death, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 08:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12361896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chrisfranklinchow/pseuds/chrisfranklinchow
Summary: Mooncakes are sweet, traditional pastries that are synonymous with the vibrant Mid-Autumn Festival. However, for Chris and his family, mooncakes are anything but sweet.(Written for the first prompt of Chowder Week 2017,Full Moon.)





	Weight of Living

**Author's Note:**

> This story is an extremely personal one and was really hard to write, but I wanted to do it for a lot of people's sake. It's basically a result of my unhealthy coping methods from the past like... 4-5 years? I'm proud of the final result and I'm really hoping that anyone reading this likes it too! 
> 
> Thank you to [Phee](http://omgcphee.tumblr.com/) for reading this fic when it was in its messy scribbles and till its final form! And like everything I do, this fic is dedicated to my papa.

All he feels is dampness on his face as he lies spooning a package that’s travelled a long way. He’s gasping and trying to inhale more oxygen, trying not to choke. He buries his head in his wet pillow, trying to keep it down; he doesn’t want anyone to know that anything’s wrong.

He hears gentle knocks on the door and sucks it up, raising his hand to wipe his tears away before opening the door. However, he’s still grasping at a sheet of paper with familiar handwriting. Tears have flooded his eyes again and he just shouts at the person outside.

“Yo Chow, I heard someone crying, was it you?” asks the person outside. Chris took a deep breath before shouting back, “Nope, wasn’t me!” The person makes a sound,  like he wants to say something, but stopped.

“Ok, just holler if you wanna hang out, I noticed there’s an email that mentioned it was the Mid-Autumn Festival?” the voice says. Chris shakes his head, before realising that they can’t see him.

His voice cracks as he replies, “Yeah, maybe later?”

Silence. It feels unbearable.

“Ok… If you say so…” says the voice outside. He hears footsteps, and then there are none.

He didn’t mean to cry, but the combination of the letter and the forgotten package’s contents pushed him to tears. He re-reads the letter again.

“Only eat a quarter of it with some hot tea. Don’t get sick. Your exams are coming up and the hockey season is just starting,” and just like that, he can hear his mama nagging in his ears.

He sniffs and lifts the seemingly simple tin from the package. But it isn’t just something just simple to Chris. It’s a tin of a traditional mooncake.

(His _yeye’s_ favourite mooncake.)

* * *

Some of his fondest memories are the Mid-Autumn Festival celebrations at his _yeye’s_ home. Running around his yeye’s backyard with his siblings and cousins. Kneeling on a chair for a better view so he can see _yeye_ cut open the mooncakes. Sitting on his yeye’s lap as they sit on the steps, watching the moon while eating his mother-regulated quarter of a mooncake. And then ending the night by jumping off his lap to join his family in lighting some sparklers.

Some of the events might have switched orders or not have happened at every celebration. But something that never changed was his _yeye_ sneaking him an extra quarter of his favourite mooncake before his family left for home.

The first time his _yeye_ did that, he tried to refuse, saying that his mother would know and scold him. But _yeye_ just shook his head and gestured for him to eat it quickly. Subsequently, every time his _yeye_ offered, Chris would gobble it up quickly while grinning at _yeye_ ; contraband mooncake consumption was tastier anyways.

(While glancing down at _yeye’s_ peaceful face in the coffin, Chris’ papa broke down and grasped onto Chris’ hand.

“You were always his favourite grandchild.”)

* * *

 In his own childish opinion, the first time he felt ‘true sadness’ was when his _yeye_ was too sick to host the annual Chow family Mid-Autumn Festival celebration. That year, only his small family of 5 could make it. While it wasn’t the loud and crowded celebrations he was used to, Chowder still had a great time, sitting around _yeye’s_ bed and listening to _yeye’s_ stories.

That time, instead of sneaking Chris his extra mooncake quarter, he raised it to his mouth, nudging at it. Chris panicked and looked at his mama, but she only had eyes for _yeye_ . Seeing as his mama didn’t make a big fuss, he opened his mouth and nibbled at the mooncake while sharing a grin with _yeye_.

(Chris was glad that his last memory of _yeye_ was his familiar, toothless smile, but he regrets not giving him a hug goodnight, even if it was against his mama’s wishes.)

* * *

It just happened, without a bang, without commotion. When he woke up,  he saw his _yeye’s_ door closed, something he never saw in all his time there. He tip-toed quietly to the room but was intercepted by his papa. His eyes were bloodshot but his grip was firm.

“Your _yeye_ passed on during the night, and a doctor is doing the autopsy now.”

Chris struggled and managed to break out of his papa’s grip, only to be stopped by his mama’s strong arms around his waist. His eyes were fixated on his _yeye’s_ room, and the doctor walked out, looked him in the eye, before looking down on the floor, shaking his head.

If Chris thought he had felt ’true sadness’ the day before, today proved him wrong. He bawled and bawled until he couldn’t bawl anymore, and all the while surrounded by his papa and mama, stroking his hair and telling him that everything will be okay.

(It’ll never be okay, it’ll never be okay, it’ll never be okay. And sometimes, he still resents them for preventing him from seeing his _yeye_ lying in his favourite spot, one last time.)

* * *

 His _yeye_ is dead, and Chris just experienced his first heartbreak.

* * *

Chris’ _yeye_ had been the glue that held the Chow family together and without him, there weren’t any more Chow annual Mid-Autumn Festival celebrations. The first year of someone’s passing meant no elation or celebrations, only mourning. The first year of _yeye’s_ passing, Chris’ family visited _yeye’s_ grave and Chris was the one who put the mooncake offerings on the grave, marking a new Chow family tradition, a more solemn one.

(Chris never ate a mooncake ever again and tried his best to forget everything about his _yeye_ \- his death anniversary, his cheeky grin, and his enthusiasm for life. He didn’t do that because he hated his _yeye_ ; he did that because he loved his _yeye_ too much.)

* * *

His first year at Samwell marks the first year he left his parents home and while he feels homesick and anxious about not having familiar faces around him, he feels that he’s adjusted relatively well. Everyone thinks he’s a little too excitable for a person living away from home, but his fellow frogs seem to think he’s cool.

Which is why he doesn’t  expect his happy facade to be in peril when his friend from the Chinese Students Association approached him while he was heading to the Haus with Nursey and Dex.

“Hey Chris, wait up,” comes a voice from behind him, and he sees a figure rushing up to him, waving his hands enthusiastically.

Chris stops in his tracks while Nursey and Dex stare at him curiously. Chris gestures to them to go ahead without him. But they both just shake their heads and hang back a little.

When Chris turns, his friend Mark gives him a huge smile and shoves a flyer in his face. “Hey, did you know about the Mid-Autumn Festival dinner? Wanna go there together tonight?”

Chris feels his face fall, and Mark’s face takes on a shocked expression. “Not like a date, even if I wanted that, but just because I don’t know that many people there and I thought it would be fun with you around,” he backtracks.

Chris just stares at him before realising it might be rude.

“Ah, it’s just that… I have a team meeting and it might go on into the night? Sorry.” he says, with a shrug. “Maybe next year?” he adds.

At this point, Mark is looking down at the ground. “Ah yeah. Maybe next year.”

Mark lets out a loud sigh and shakes his head, before throwing a smile at Chris. He then shoves something at Chris’ chest and out of instinct, he grabs onto it with both his hands.

“See ya soon, Chris and friends,” he shouts as he runs back to his own group of friends.

* * *

The item in his hands feels cold, angular and somewhat familiar. He looks down, hesitantly, and immediately feels as though the universe is playing a major practical prank on him. He sniffs and tried to hold in his tears.

Of course, it just _had_ to be a tin of mooncake. And he must have stood in the same spot for so long because he soon feels a weight on his shoulder.

“Yo Chow, you feeling alright?” Nursey asks.

Chris knows he has to snap out of it. He doesn’t want to cry in front of his new friends. He smiles widely at Nursey, even if he did not want to do so.

“Yeah I’m doing great, let’s just get back to the Haus!”

From the look Nursey and Dex shared, he must not be convincing enough, so he just throws both arms around each of their shoulders and drags them in the direction of the Haus.

“C’mon guys, you don’t want us to be fined right?” he asks them, cheekily.

They snap out of it and break into a run, laughing all the while.

(They end up being late. Chris blames himself.)

* * *

He can’t concentrate during the entire meeting because of the weight of the tin in his hands. The team’s voice washes over him, like a comforting blanket, but not comforting enough. Because after the entire meeting, he tosses the mooncake into the trash bin. It feels wasteful but he doesn’t want those bad memories.

He nods after a job well done, and when he turns around, he comes face-to-face with Nursey. Chris freezes in his tracks as Nursey walks past him to grab something from the fridge.

As Nursey closes the fridge, he says, “If you rush, you should be able to make it for the CSA’s Mid-Autumn Festival dinner. The ballroom is on the way to my dorm and I can walk there with you.”

Chris feels his eyes widen and looks into Nursey’s eyes. His gaze is steady, kind, and Chris feels undeserving. He shakes his head.

“I’m feeling a little ill and I don’t want to just barge in. I think I’ll just go next year,” he says.

Nursey shrugs, conveying the simple message, “You’re kinda weird, but I like you, so suit yourself,” and Chris catches himself smiling.

Chris can’t let Nursey have the last word (or action) and jokes, “Stay safe on your way back and text me once you get back to the dorm.”

Nursey rolls his eyes, smirks. “Yes, Papa Chow,” he replies, sarcastically, before walking past him. But then he stops in his tracks, and out of nowhere places the back of his hand on Chris’ forehead. He then puts it on his own forehead.

“Yeah, you’re feeling kinda warm. Get some rest, k?” Nursey says, before finally making his way out of the Haus.

Chris slides down onto the floor and takes several deep breaths. In and out, and in and out, and in and out.

When he recovers, he rushes back to his dorm after quick goodbyes to his Haus mates. He jumps into the comfort of his bed and weeps into his pillow. He can’t believe he had honestly forgotten his _yeye_. And he cries until he falls asleep.

(He wakes up with sore eyes and a text from Nursey.

Attached is a photo of Nursey cheesing in front of the camera. “Made it back safely, Papa Chow, rest well!”

And Chris just laughs and goes off to wash his face.)

* * *

Loud and frantic knocks at his door dragged Chris out of his memories. He screeches before silencing himself with both his hands after realising that it’s late. He takes a deep breath, rubs at his eyes with his sleeves, and goes to open the door. He just hopes that his crying before wasn’t too obvious. He looks out of the open door’s crack and comes face-to-face with Nursey.

Nursey looks calm and collected-- everything Chris wants to look like at this moment. With seemingly no knowledge of Chris’ internal struggles, Nursey raises a bag in front of Chris’ face and rustles it lightly.

“Heard from some of the CSA members that lighting sparklers were some of their favourite memories from their family’s Mid-Autumn Festival celebration. And they send their regards by the way,” Nursey says, breaking the silence.

Chris just stares at Nursey, surprised. Also, he gets to see Nursey shuffle his feet, a sure sign that he’s feeling awkward. Nursey reaches out and punches Chris in the shoulder.

“C’mon, indulge your best friend for once in your life,” he whines.

Chris chuckles, swayed by his happy memories. (Not Nursey’s enthused and petulant tone.)

He nods and tells Nursey to meet him downstairs because he needs to wash his face and change into a new shirt. Nursey cracks a smile too, maybe because of the authentic chuckle he heard from Chris, and heads downstairs to wait for him.

Chris looks at his reflection in the mirror.

**He looks god-awful.**

He looks away from his face and splashes tons of water on his face, in the hopes that he’ll look more acceptable. He then rustles at his hair and wonders, “What the hell am I doing?”

It’s too late to back out of the offer now; it would just be rude when Nursey just wants to cheer him up. So he sucks it up.

But before leaving his bedroom, he spies the mooncake tin caught in between the creases of his duvet. Against his better judgement, he sweeps it up and shoves it into his hoodie’s pocket.

* * *

They sit on the Haus’ back steps, with the only sounds being the chirping of the cicadas and the soft crackling of the sparklers in their hands. When the first stick extinguishes, Chris immediately reaches for another one and lights it up. He doesn’t notice that he’s smiling.

“Now there’s the smile I was looking for,” he hears from beside him. Chris twists to look at Nursey, ducking his head in embarrassment.

(Nursey has always been beautiful. But he’s even more beautiful with the sparks illuminating his face.)

They sit in comfortable silence, just watching the sparklers burn to the last bit.

“Yeah, I can totally understand why people enjoy burning these things, especially on such a beautiful night when the moon just looks larger than usual,” Nursey says.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Chris sees Nursey pointing at the moon. He panics and instantly slaps at Nursey’s hand. Nursey drops his sparkler to the ground in shock, and Chris stomps on it, hoping it doesn’t burn the grass. Nursey turns to Chris, with a hurt expression, before looking away and just grabbing at another sparkler.

Honestly, how many times has Chris gone red today?

“Sorry, it’s just, my grandpa always smacked at my hands when I pointed at the moon. It’s apparently bad luck,” he mumbles.

The hurt expression on Nursey’s face disappears, and he just looks at Chris, questioningly.

Chris doesn’t know where this bravery came from as he continues, “I don’t remember why he said it was bad luck, it’s just something he taught me.”

Silence.

“I-I-I just miss him so much,” Chris stutters, before extinguishing his sparkler.

“This was a mistake, I’m going to go,” he mutters and standing up to leave.

Out of nowhere, Nursey grabs onto his arm and pulls him down, and Chris stumbles, almost landing in Nursey’s lap.

“What else did he tell you? Is there anything else I shouldn’t do? C’mon Chow, you can’t just let me get cursed like this! I’m already so clumsy, I can’t add being cursed to that list,” Nursey begs.

Chris is overwhelmed with his fondness for Nursey, and he just wants to share some of his love, his pain, and his _yeye’s_ wisdom with someone willing to listen. So he just takes a deep breath and just rambles about how much he loved his _yeye_ , how he celebrated Mid-Autumn Festivals with his entire family, and how much he just tried to forget everything about his _yeye_ after his passing.

Nursey just sits there, nodding encouragingly when Chris looks up, trying to see if he is bored.

By the end of all his rambling, he realises that warm tears are streaming down his cheeks. Nursey raises his hand towards Chris’ face, trying to wipe his tears away before he stops and passes a handkerchief to Chris instead.

Chris grabs at it and wipes aggressively at his face.

“Honestly Chow, you shouldn’t have kept all this to yourself for so long. And I know you didn’t ask, but I really think your grandpa wouldn’t want you to be so sad over him or even stop celebrating your favourite thing because of him,” Nursey says.

Chris sniffs and Nursey continues, “You just need to make new memories. We’re your family now, and starting next year, we can start some new family traditions.”

Chris dabs at his eyes again, “Gosh you’re going to make me cry again Nurse!” he jokes.

They share a laugh before going back to watching their sparklers burn. When both their sparkler sticks are about to finish burning, Chris just bumps shoulders with Nursey, trying to convey his appreciation. Nursey, who just knows what he’s thinking at all times, just bumps Chris’ shoulder back.

(Oh god, he’s in love with his best friend.)

* * *

They’re tossing the remains of their sparklers in the trash when Chris thinks, " _This is as good as a time as ever_." He whips out the mooncake tin from his pocket.

“This was my grandpa’s favourite mooncake. Wanna share it?” he asks Nursey.

He waits as they stand in silence, his heart beating loudly, as he bears his sadness and soul to Nursey.

Nursey just nods, and they fall into a rhythm with Chris cutting the mooncake into quarters and Nursey grabbing two plates.

Chris gestures to Nursey to take the first bite. Nursey carefully grabs a quarter and puts it in his mouth. His face lights up as he chews and chews and chews.

Chris is placated by Nursey’s pleasure and tosses a quarter into his own mouth.

It tastes delicious. Delicious, but bittersweet.

Nursey must have caught him staring because he smirks and turns to look out the window at the nighttime sky.

Chris does the same thing and realises that Nursey was right. He needs to make new memories and traditions with his newfound family.

Nursey is also right about how the moon looks larger than usual, larger than life. And it also seems that there were more stars than usual. As they twinkle down on them, Chris is overwhelmed by his love for his _yeye_. They remind him of his _yeye’s_ bright smile.

Chris can’t help but smile as he reaches for another quarter of the mooncake.

**Author's Note:**

>  _yeye_ \- Grandpa
> 
> Aaaaah thank you for reading, I really hope y'all enjoyed it! :) You can find me over on Tumblr at [chrisfranklinchow](http://chrisfranklinchow.tumblr.com/) and if you liked it, I hope you'll like or reblog it over [here](http://chrisfranklinchow.tumblr.com/post/166401877667/weight-of-living)!
> 
> Yun <3


End file.
